Byakuya's Birthday Party
by MufflestheMighty
Summary: Byakuya decides to hold a birthday party in honor of himself. A formal party, no sake, and good behaviour is expected from everyone. However, some mischief makers have also been invited...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own not Bleach

Byakuya was feeling giddy with excitement, but he maintained the same calm, cold demeanor on the outside. Why was he giddy with excitement? BECAUSE IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE!!! Oh joy! Byakuya considered skipping through the sixth squad barracks and swinging his scarf around his head but decided his reputation could not take a blow like that.

Meanwhile, Ichigo was fetching the mail. He found a beautifully embossed card. Light pink cardboard with little gold letters spelling out: Party Invitation. Curious, Ichigo peered inside.

_Dear honored guest,_

_I, Kuchiki Byakuya, am hosting a party in honor of myself. There will be chocolate truffle cake and many candles, which I shall blow out in one breath. Please attend or I shall be highly offended and destroy you. _

_Kuchiki Byakuya_

_P.S. No alcohol, weapons, narcotics, or frivolous behaviour will be tolerated_

_Dress: Formal_

Ichigo stared at the card with slight disgust. He could envision a party thrown by that marble-faced noble. However, he did have a mathematics lesson this afternoon. Not very much choice here was there? Both options consisted of Ichigo being bored to death. With a great sigh, he went indoors to dress up for the party.

Urahara was delighted when he found the invitation on his doormat.

"My, my, a party!! Oooooh, cake!! GAAAERRGH???!!!" Urahara exclaimed. The last phrase was uttered when he read the P.S. note at the bottom of the page and was spoken in a tone of outrage and dispair.

"Very well," he sighed "No drugs, booze or fun then." He sadly began packing. Six bottles of sake, A pair of nunchuks, and some Marijuana cigarettes. He attempted to stuff Yoruichi-san in her cat form into his bag as well but she smashed his face in and reverted to human form.

"Come on, Yoruichi-san" Urahara's bruised face attempted to grin, but the pain was too great. "We're going to a parteeeee!!!"

Yoruichi sniffed haughtily and walked out, smacking Urahara on the head hard as she did so.

Shunsui was sleeping on his desk. The roof was definitely more comfortable, but Nanao-chan had insisted that he do some work, so Shunsui had no choice but to sleep on all the paperwork instead, how uncomfortable! Which is why he had moved it all the Nanao-chan's desk instead, except for a few documents which he had folded into little paper airplanes and thrown everywhere.

15 minutes later, Nanao-chan stalked up to her slightly snoring captain, snatched off his ridiculous hat and began beating him with it.

"Ow! Ow! Wha-Stop. I-" Shunsui crawled under his desk in an attempt to weather the ferocious assault of his vice-captain.

"GET-OUT-OF-THERE-AND-DO-SOME-WORK!!!" Nanao-chan emphasized each word with a slap of the hat. She stopped, out of breath and also because Shunsui had disappeared under the desk. His voice floated out from under the table.

"Lovely, lovely Nanao-chan. I know you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. Let me come out and we can drink sake together." Shunsui sang out.

"Keep dreaming!" Nanao-chan snapped and she threw the hat like a frisbee under the table, ignoring the squawk of pain as his hat hit shunsui in the eye.

Just then, a hell butterfly fluttered up to Shunsui, who was clutching his face and moaning in exaggerated agony under the table, making pained noises that were being pointedly ignored by Nanao-chan. The message delivered by the butterfly made Shunsui forget that he was supposed to be mortally wounded. He leapt out from under the desk, scattering papers.

"Party at Kuchiki's!!! Let's go!" He cried, and with that he grabbed Nanao-chan around the waist and shunpo'd off, grabbing seven urns of Sake on the way.

All across Soul Society, Shinigami listened in disbelief at the news delivered by the Hell butterflies. Word spread like wildfire. Renji promptly fainted when he heard the news.

"Kuchiki Taichou? Holding a party? Never!!" thought Renji, stunned. Never before had Byakuya attended social gatherings, much less host one himself. It was all very out of character.

"Nii-sama is holding a party?" Rukia was amazed, but rather pleased that there would be cake to eat.

"cheh! I'm not going." Hitsugaya sat on a chair, his legs dangled off the floor by several feet, reading the letter.

"Taichooouuu…" Matsumoto whined, pouting at her captain. She leaned forward, hoping to persuade her captain through use of her ample chest.

"Matusmoto, if it didn't work on me the first time, it won't work the second time, or the third and so on." Hitsugaya scowled

"Hmph! Only because you haven't reached puberty yet!" Matsumoto turned away indignantly.

"I am well into puberty, I'll have you know!" Hitsugaya spluttered.

"No way!" she insisted, "real men go to parties!"

"That's it! We're going!" Hitsugaya stood up, infuriated, though he didn't look any taller than when he was sitting down.

"Oh taichou! Really?" Matusmoto didn't give him time to answer, instead dragging him out the door and in the direction of the party.

"Eh? Party?" Zaraki's illiteracy allowed him to understand only that word, but that was enough.

"Party? Party??? Yay!!! Let's go yachiru, we can start a huge fight!!" Zaraki sprinted off with his vice-captain clinging onto his back.

Meanwhile, Byakuya was beginning preparations for his party.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own not the bleach

Disclaimer: I own not the bleach

Byakuya was in a dilemma. Pink party napkins or plain white ones. He simply couldn't decide. It was infuriating. In the end he closed his eyes and did a quick eenie meenie. The pink ones were chosen, much to his delight.

Byakuya then swung on a frilly white apron and proceeded into the kitchen. Humming "Delilah" under his breath, he whisked out beaters, bowls, cake pans, flour, eggs, sugar, milk and various other ingredients to making the best cake the world had ever seen. No sooner had he finished, the doorbell rang and Byakuya put away his feminine objects and went to answer. He never made it.

"PARTY??" Kenpachi screamed, kicking the door in and flattening byakuya at the same time. "YEEAAAH!!" he drooled right onto byakuya's face, having just spotted the giant cake. Shunsui arrived soon after, holding only 3 urns (he had drunk the other 4).

"Kenpachi! You look mighty handsome today!" Shunsui said, eyeing the giant pectorals of the 11th squad captain, and then snuggling his face into them.

"WAA??" Kenpachi pulled Shunsui off and held him by the collar in disgust, then smacking him a few times to make him spin around. It was fun.

Hitsugaya and Matsumoto came in.

"Whoooo…" Matsumoto twirled around "helloooo, byakuya-sama." She wiggled her eyebrows and her chest at him. Byakuya turned as pink as his own petals.

Nanao-chan arrived out of breath, just in time to see her captain dancing with Kenpachi while balancing the cake on both their heads. Shunsui giggled and hiccupped as he saw the glowing candles, then absent mindedly stuck one up his nose.

"OUCH! HOT!!" nanao rolled her eyes at her own captain's stupidity as he screamed in pain and horror and ran straight into a wall.

Renji and Rukia arrived to this scene of pure horror and went upstairs to watch a movie together. Incidentally, they chose to watch The Last King of Scotland, which they found very captivating. They continually praised the acting of Forrest Whittaker.

Ichigo walked in looking very bored, with a black cat on his head. He yawned as Kenpachi ran past him holding a rugby ball and ignored Byakuya, who was tearing his hair out over the remains of his chocolate cake.

Urahara danced in and then stopped, swaying slightly because of the sake, as he saw Shunsui.

"Kyouraku?" he whispered. Shunsui turned around, his face covered with chocolate sprinkles, and tears welled up in his eyes.

"Kisuke??" Shunsui shouted in joy and then they ran towards each other in slow motion, both humming the chariots of fire theme song in a tone deaf manner. Finally, with many sound effects, they hugged each other and spun around in each other's arms, looking lovingly at each others eyes. The effect was rather spoiled as a soccer ball bounced off Urahara's head.

Kenpachi crashed into a glass cupboard, having just been rugby tackled by his vice captain. The crash woke Byakuya from his trance of sorrow. He rubbed his eyes and glared at everyone.

"STOP IT!! YOU'RE RUINING MY PARRTTEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" the 6th squad captain's voice pitched into a scream at the end of his sentence, making everyone look at Byakuya in horror at his girly exclamation.

Byakuya kicked at the remains of his cake like a spoilt brat, then sat in the middle of the floor, legs splayed apart and began sobbing. Mucus ran down his face as he screamed like a baby.

"IT'S SO UNFAIR!! WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE PARTY? I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO HAVE FUN!" and with that, he dissolved into his dismal wailing once again.

"There there" Kenpachi patted Byakuya's head awkwardly, then looked at everyone as if asking for help. Shunsui immediately went to fix a hot milk bottle and Hitsugaya began clearing away stuff. Kenpachi got a broom while Urahara cradled byakuya and read him "Hansel and Gretel", his favorite fairy tale.

Soon Byakuya was asleep and everybody crept out on their tiptoes. Kenpachi accidentally broke the door but Byakuya didn't wake up. Rukia and Renji had started on Blood Diamond and were entranced by Leonardo Dicaprio's South African accent.


End file.
